Restless

I am restless today. I have so much to do, but something is lacking. I feel like I'm a little bit lost. I know I need to be working, when what I'd really like to do is go sit outside in the backyard and just... be.

I know that part of it is receiving the news last night that my great-grandmother died. She was 99. I know I'm okay. I'm not overly depressed about it. After all, she was 99, led a good life, was a Christian, and died the way she wanted to: at home in her sleep.

So why is it that the longer I sat last night, the more nauseous I became? I drove up to the corner store at ten minutes to eleven with the full intention of buying a pack of cigarettes. I got there, parked, and just sat there for a few minutes. I didn't really want to smoke. What I really wanted was to get away for a few minutes, and the smoking was just an excuse. So I just sat there, ignoring the stares of curious people who were wondering, What is that woman doing there, sitting in her car doing nothing, crying just a little? I swear it was just one glistening tear, but I was in my own world and it very well could have been that I looked downright awful. I don't know. Maybe that's why people were so curious.

I just feel like the past year and a half has been about loss. Not just people, but things and ideas and illusions. Change is not always for the better. It just makes me a little sad to see a little of it go... those illusions brought some amount of surface-level joy at least.

And yet there is always hope. There is always tomorrow. And there is always God's plan. Because I know through the heartache he will build something grand. Wade through the pieces and put together something precious and valuable. But I don't remember praying for patience, or character, or thick skin. I'm very careful not to, because you learn patience through it being tried. You learn character through it being tested. You gain a thick skin through being hurt and recovering the wiser for it.

No, I don't remember praying for these things.

But it's not my plan at all. I'd love nothing more than to lead a very simply happy and uneventful life, getting everything I want with ease. That doesn't seem to be in the works for me, because therein lies the flaw. I know this will take a few days to process, but I'll be okay. And it's not really about Grandma Dobbs. Because she's happy and in the arms of the Father, where I'm sure she has longed to be. This is about the infamous straw, and the time it takes to heal the camel's back.

I'm sorry this post has been so depressing. I promise I'll be better in a few days. I've just got to learn to cling to the hope of the future instead of seeing the past.

Growing up hurts, and there are many times I long for the innocence of childhood, where I didn't have so darned much to think about all the time.

I seriously am going to post something inspirational and awe-inspiring very soon. I promise. I've just got to quit forgetting what it is I want to post...

Resolution

In the year 2007 I resolve to: Slap stupid people in the head. Get your resolution here.

Priceless.

More to come later. I haven't had time to post. Love you guys!

Updates from Far, Far Away

OK, so maybe not THAT far away.

Things are actually going really well. I'm enjoying my visit with my family. Everything is coming together and even when stress hits I can deal with it easily. I love the Christmas season, it doesn't let much negativity penetrate it.

The services, I'm told, were nice. A true celebration of a life well lived. They're now going to put together an extended famiy tree. We solved lingering worries about land we own and took care of arranging to pay for property taxes from afar. There's a possibility an orphanage will be built on it, and we'll help.

Through the clutter of going through the treasures of another's life, there were so many discoveries. Report cards from hubby's father's high school. Pictures, lots of pictures. So many things to be thankful for, so many memories. For the first time, the hubby got to really speak with someone who knew his father as a friend, they were like brothers growing up. He got to hear stories of his father's childhood, because Gran wasn't permitted to speak of him (to ease Gramp's pain). Gran lived a full, loving life, and was selfless to the end. She truly set the example of a spiritual leader for this family.

Plans for our vacation have changed to include other family members. While I think the trip will now be more tiring, it will be wholly more satisfying. And while we have managed to stay within our budget for Christmas this year, I daresay we'll have to ship some of the presents back. I don't think they'll all fit in the car.

I got my nails done and did some girly-girl shopping today with my mom and my sister, coming home with a few small treasured items. Mom's manicurist even gave us all matching stars on our ring fingers for Christmas, and painted my daughter's nails red in the spirit of the season.

I feel contented, at rest, incredibly happy.

I love Christmas.

Impatient

I'm at a standstill. Everything's packed. The dishes are washed. Occasionally I have to feed a child, so those dishes get washed immediately. The laundry is done and put away. The house is straight, and the kids have been okay today about picking up after themselves.

But that's because I have a great threat. We won't go to Grandma's if they don't. Works every time.

Bryan's grandmother passed away Sunday morning. We're awaiting the funeral date so we can make plans. There's still the possibility that it will be tomorrow, which is why everything's packed and ready to go. We're literally living out of our suitcases in our own home, waiting to hear whether or not we need to drive to Arkansas tonight.

I'm stressed, but I know it will pass. I'm making my list and checking it twice, but it has nothing to do with who's been naughty or nice. It's got the words "socks" and "adjust thermostat" on it. Most things are crossed off, but some can't be done until we know.

So, say a prayer for my sanity as I try to keep up with the house until we know when our two-week trip will begin.

Thank God for bereavement leave, since otherwise we would be in quite a pickle.

Glutton for Punishment

For some reason Houston has an inability to succumb to winter. Today I wore a light jacket over a sleeveless shirt and had to take the jacket off so I wouldn't suffocate in my car.

I'm winding down. I've got my toffee cappuccino in my Power of Pink cup, having just e-mailed out the conference call notes on our current promotions for my team members. I just get all riled up about this company. I love what I do. I wish everyone had the ability to make the amount of money I can make while loving what they do as much as I do. But I think I might have talked too fast for anyone to understand what I was saying. Such is the nature of excitement, eh?

The gym membership is going well. I had my first torture session with a personal trainer on Monday. Even though I was miserable with a cold, he still wasn't nice to me. My arms and shoulders are still sore. Nevertheless, knowing I wouldn't be able to make it in today, I went to the gym last night after putting the kids to bed. I worked my abs and legs. Now, at least, the pain is evenly spread over the entire body. I went again yesterday, even though I'm still feeling relatively cruddy, because I felt better after working out on Monday. I felt better, again, after working out last night. I think I'm catching on to this whole "health" thing. Ha.

I really liked my personal trainer. His name is Kennis, and he's probably too young for me to be comfortable dating my younger sister, if that gives you any idea of his age. But he's personable and encouraging. I swear I've never been high-fived by one person so many times in my life. Plus, he gives me direction where I have none. He knows what to do, and I'm as lost as tofu in gumbo in that gym, lovely as it is.

My husband remarked that there was something terribly wrong. He should have been the last person I ever told I was comfortable with my personal trainer, not the first. Boy, do I have a lot to learn about gyms. ;)

For now, personal training is not fiscally possible. I've decided that if we can get three credit cards paid off we can get them back. Sounds like yet another goal in this princess's world. As if that's anything new!!!






Please say a prayer for us. We're in a sticky situation with relatives who are very ill, and our lack of sick leave and/or vacation days. Timing is everything, and this time we need it to work in our favor so we can be where we are needed. Thanks in advance.

Happy trails to you, until we meet again...

Impulse

I think I've lost my marbles. Gone temporarily insane. I don't know why I did it. It just felt right at the time. Now I'm thinking... Oh, crap. I've gotta tell my husband when he gets home.

So what's this horrible deed I've done? I've joined a gym. Yup, I sold out. I've been wanting to join one for a long time, but it's never been a priority. I went today to deliver a catalog to a customer that works at the new gym near our house, and ended up touring the gym. They gave me a deal that's half the price of the other gyms I've looked at. That's probably because they're new and they're trying to get people in the door. Nevertheless, it's a locked-in unbeatable rate with free child care and free classes. Tai Chi, yoga, pilates, kickboxing, latin dancing, here I come!

Yes, that's right. I said free child care. Quit getting off the subject.

I know you're jealous. It was part of the deal to get me to sign. And it was worth it. I have my first appointment with a personal trainer on Monday. They promised me that if I showed up three times a week I'd reach my target body by March.

Yay!

So... for all you jealous people, I can give each of you a free one-week pass to try it out. And maybe, since I'm also their new Mary Kay rep, I can get you the same deal I got.

Oh, yeah. That's another bonus. Since they're so new, they said I could put a flier in every new guest welcome packet, leave cleanser samples by the sinks, and set up a table on Customer Appreciation Days.

Bonus.

Now comes the hard part. Convincing my anti-gym husband not only that it was a good idea, but that he wants to work out with me. You see, I envisioned this great idea of him meeting me there after work, since it's on his way home. It would still be before much of the after-work crowd since he gets off work at 4:00. We can toss the kiddos in child care and go work out together. Cardio, weights, the sauna. Then pool laps followed by the hot tub. Yeah, baby.

So... pray that he's open to the idea. He's been squeamish about working out in front of others. I'm ready to deal with it if he is. We have until Monday to get our money back, but I'm thinking even if he refuses I'll still go.

'Cause who can beat free child care???

Tough

It just seems like there is a bit of melancholy everywhere. Today at church I spoke with quite a few people. Everyone's going through something, including us. There were some people whose problems made my problems look so insignificant. I guess it's a healthy dose of perspective, but it still breaks my heart that people I know and love are going through these kinds of things.

So many things being lost... relatives, unborn children, houses... Things that make you want to jump out and help, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. It leaves you feeling so helpless and incompetent.

Which led to thoughts about finances. Ours in particular, but in general as well. I consider myself to be quite good at manipulating the checkbook to work to our best advantage, but the things I don't have control over keep catching up to us. Another way I'm left feeling helpless. Sometimes I have to just throw up my hands and say... "Well, I don't know what we're going to do." We're a not-so-proud member of the paycheck-to-paycheck club. What worries me is... what happens if something happens?

This is not just a concern for myself, but for my entire generation and the next. We're products of the immediate gratification generation. Don't end up where your parents are, start there. Don't wait on that big-screen, buy it now, with no interest for twleve months! What they don't tell you is that if you don't pay it off they backcharge you interest and then you end up paying twice (or more) what you would have if you'd have just paid it off.

Our entire nation is on a paycheck-to-paycheck basis. How scary is that? Especially with all the layoffs going on! What happens if something happens? A layoff, then immediate bankruptcy because you drown in the debt of things you didn't need but couldn't wait for. It terrifies me what would happen if Bryan lost his job.

So we're inching our way out of this hole. And the devil doesn't like it. He likes for us to live in fear, to not have a safety net. To suffer for years upon years for mistakes we made that we are trying to correct. Because every time we move forward a step, something happens and we're forced back two. I'm sad to say that we didn't meet any of our financial goals this year. Instead, we're worse off now than we were in January. Not because we were silly, but because of CRAP that kept happening. Total and utter crap. Senseless, uncontrollable crap, and that's the worst kind.

What can be done? Nothing, really. Keep trudging along. I know our perserverance will be rewarded. I know our sound financial decisions will be rewarded. I know if we can keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually we will be free.

And if you want to send a Christmas gift, make it a payment to our credit cards. ;)

It smelled like Christmas today.

Outside the air was cold and crisp. No matter where you went, there was the slight smell of woodsmoke in the air. It's the kind of weather that puts a smile on your face, knowing the best holiday of the entire year is on it's way. It's the kind of weather that makes you want to cuddle up on the couch with a blanket and a good book, hot cocoa in one hand and ginger cookies in the other. It's the kind of weather that made me add graham crackers, Hershey bars, and marshmallows to my shopping list for tomorrow.

My kids have never had s'mores. This is a grievous error that soon will be rectified.

I'm anxious for the holidays. I'm looking forward to spending real quality time with my extended family. I'm looking forward to the sights and smells that have comforted me since my childhood. Grandma's house always smelled like something baking. I'm almost in tears with the joy and the anticipation.

Iz will probably remember this Christmas. She's old enough. I hope it brings her as much happiness later on as my memories have brought me. Even if those memories decided to leave out the names of my fourth cousins (and other obscure family members).

It's weird, after you've seen someone every Christmas your entire life, and you don't remember their name. You're past the point of no return. I can't ask. How embarrassing would that be?

"Ummm... hello... I know I've seen you every year since I was born, but I was wondering if you could tell me your name just one more time?"

Nope. Besides, I remember all the important ones.

The only thing missing will be Grandpa. It will be my first Christmas there without him. The other part of the "anxious for the holidays" is whether or not the villagers will revolt when reality hits. In my head, I know he's gone. In my heart, I can't envision Christmas without him. Especially since I don't carry a knife, so I guess Dad will have to take over cutting the strings on the hay bales, so the kids can feed the cows. I don't have any idea who is going to call them to dinner, though.

*sigh*

Not Michael Keaton!

Thus the tone was set for my Thanksgiving break. It all came about because of arguing who played the voice of Chick Hicks in Cars... which led to an IMDB search... which led to my future brother-in-law trouncing all of us with his superior wisdom. Love ya, Scott!

Yes, yes, yes. It was a time for family traditions, one of which was one bird and ten desserts... much to the detriment of my diet. Luckily, even the pumpkin cheesecake couldn't thwart my new metabolism. I didn't gain anything during Thanksgiving. I know you're jealous.

The Thanksgiving menu consisted of the usual bird, stuffing, green beans, baked beans, southwest corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and homemade rolls. Dessert consisted of pumpkin pie, pecan bourbon pie, pumpkin bread (one with chocolate chips and one without), pumpkin cheesecake, pineapple upside down cake, cherry pie, and ice cream.

If I never see another pumpkin again I think I'd be okay.

Or at least for another 361 days.

We played Uno and watched movies. Uno is a family tradition. We laughed until we cried. I'm not even sure what we were laughing about, but it was probably made funnier by the White Zinfandel. Or the Blue Moon with orange. Yep, wine and girly beers are a tradition, too, at least for the women. This is not insinuating that Blue Moon is a girly beer, but it definitely becomes so with an orange slice dangling off the side like a daquiri. Manly beers are a tradition for the men, so we also had some Fat Tire and Shiner Hefeweizen floating around.

Oh, and Gramma taught the kids how to roll down the hill into the ditch and play in leaves. I still don't know whether or not she knows she was being caught on family-cam.

All in all, good times.