Restless

I am restless today. I have so much to do, but something is lacking. I feel like I'm a little bit lost. I know I need to be working, when what I'd really like to do is go sit outside in the backyard and just... be.

I know that part of it is receiving the news last night that my great-grandmother died. She was 99. I know I'm okay. I'm not overly depressed about it. After all, she was 99, led a good life, was a Christian, and died the way she wanted to: at home in her sleep.

So why is it that the longer I sat last night, the more nauseous I became? I drove up to the corner store at ten minutes to eleven with the full intention of buying a pack of cigarettes. I got there, parked, and just sat there for a few minutes. I didn't really want to smoke. What I really wanted was to get away for a few minutes, and the smoking was just an excuse. So I just sat there, ignoring the stares of curious people who were wondering, What is that woman doing there, sitting in her car doing nothing, crying just a little? I swear it was just one glistening tear, but I was in my own world and it very well could have been that I looked downright awful. I don't know. Maybe that's why people were so curious.

I just feel like the past year and a half has been about loss. Not just people, but things and ideas and illusions. Change is not always for the better. It just makes me a little sad to see a little of it go... those illusions brought some amount of surface-level joy at least.

And yet there is always hope. There is always tomorrow. And there is always God's plan. Because I know through the heartache he will build something grand. Wade through the pieces and put together something precious and valuable. But I don't remember praying for patience, or character, or thick skin. I'm very careful not to, because you learn patience through it being tried. You learn character through it being tested. You gain a thick skin through being hurt and recovering the wiser for it.

No, I don't remember praying for these things.

But it's not my plan at all. I'd love nothing more than to lead a very simply happy and uneventful life, getting everything I want with ease. That doesn't seem to be in the works for me, because therein lies the flaw. I know this will take a few days to process, but I'll be okay. And it's not really about Grandma Dobbs. Because she's happy and in the arms of the Father, where I'm sure she has longed to be. This is about the infamous straw, and the time it takes to heal the camel's back.

I'm sorry this post has been so depressing. I promise I'll be better in a few days. I've just got to learn to cling to the hope of the future instead of seeing the past.

Growing up hurts, and there are many times I long for the innocence of childhood, where I didn't have so darned much to think about all the time.